not on solid ground

not on solid ground

i’m supposed to head back to school tonight and i’ve never not wanted to leave home as much as i do now. it’s so strange because last year mama&papa zhang constantly asked me to come home or stay at home longer, and now, just the thought of heading back to school drains me.

i don’t even know why. to the world, it seems like i have everything in order. i’ve got friends i can count on, i’m in a good program at school, i’m involved in school activities, i’m searching for a part-time job and might even be successful in getting one, and i’ve got parents who still support me fully. yet, i feel like i’ve already been defeated. i’ve feel competely overwhelmed from the tasks i have in front of me, and i already want to forfeit this battle with school before its even started.

my heart isn’t right. definitely not portraying the image of Christ. and most days i actually just want to hide from other people, and GOD (if it were possible). and i can’t stand the fact that if i were to allow myself, i would be okay at where i’m at.

but i guess the silver lining came from today’s devo.

There are times in your spiritual life when there is confusion, and the way out of it is not simply to say that you should not be confused. It is not a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of God taking you through a way that you temporarily do not understand. And it is only by going through the spiritual confusion that you will come to the understanding of what God wants for you.

i guess i’m spirituality confused. and it’s kind of comforting to know that GOD can plan these moments for us, because that gives me hope that HE’LL pull me out too.

winterbreak fun-ness.

hello. it's been so long since i've posted. so unworthy of a blog. oh well.

so some thoughts since finals to now.

1. during finals, i watched TLC & studied. i saw many wedding shows. and women are crazy. or brides to be more specific. and mothers. but i'm gonna stick to my general statement and say that women are crazy.

2. i'm getting ready to take the road test soon. hmm after about 3+ years of preparation i'm still scared to be on the road. i wish i could fly. or had a personal driver. or at least that where i lived had a functional bus service. oh well. driving is okay, except when you're driving in front of a jerk. i don't like jerks.

3. i had many goals this break. and have accomplished... none of them. and i feel awesome. being a bum is great =) no wonder all i wanted to do when i grew up (when i was little) was to live with mommy & sit in front of the tv and watch with potato chips. i was an ambitious kid. other children dreamed of being a doctor, i wanted to be a couch potato.

4. which leads me to my next thing. my sedentary lifestyle and diet will probably lead to diabetes. and i used to think that people who smoked by majored in premed, bio, pharmacy, chemistry etc. were stupid, but i feel like i'm being equally stupid with my poor choice of diet.

4a. on that note, i've come to the conclusion that my favorite non-dessert food is chicken quesadillas & guacamole. this is after years of soul searching.

5. i hate the phrase "one more time" because that phrase almost always turns out to be a lie.

6. my sister is a diva. at the young age of 8.

7. i've become addicted to hot liquids, more specifically hot chocolate & chai tea.

8. hmm i have no clever way to end this rambling list other than to say that i'm a bum and i love it. =) and yay Jesus.

goals for the year.

ack.

i've been so blah lately.

1. i think i also need to be nicer. or maybe not so quick with my witty yet sometimes/most-of-the-times not so nice comments.

2. not be so scared of strangers.

3. have more fun.

3a. hang out with freshmen more. or get to know them.

4. remember to eat regular meals at regular times. usually i eat dinner at like 9. or lunch at 4. and lots of cookies in between.

5. stop eating like a teenage boy. hmm maybe this might not change. mcdonalds. potato chips. hostess cakes. fruit by the foot.

6. be more graceful to other people. and myself.

roar.

being productive in the summer is no fun.
i wanna be a bum.
bum bum bum bum bum.

road warrior.

ack. 2 posts consecutively? wtheck.
sooo i drove to rutgers today.
and driving is my biggest enemy/obstacle/hurdle in life.
and also my mom's quest to find me a husband.
all her prospects are very sad.

anyways--
i guess because of that, and because of my somewhat nervous personality, my right leg was shaking the whole time.
and the weather was not on my side either.
rain-- boo to you.
oh my lord.
me and the papa zhang are still alive.

hmm my biggest problem apparently is staying too close to the right.
so close that if there was a ditch, the car would fall in.
thus the whole trip consisted of the papa zhang shouting "left! too close to the right! left!"
hmm i guess i'm a better driver than i thought... if that's my biggest problem.
and my greatest strength is judging how far i should break before a stop sign and traffic light.
hmm, i'm not a total failure as a driver.

and to those who take small roads to new brunswick (yeah um... don't know their names, too busy trying NOT to die), the jerk going 30 in a 45 was me.
if it were up to me, every road would be a school zone.
<333 going 25 mph.
so sorry if that delayed your morning commute.
it will probably continue to do so for like the next month or so.
sorry buddies.

being an adult is no fun.
driving, working, being responsible... yuck.
neither is living in a part of new jersey that has a weak public transportation system.

harharhar mememe teeheehee keekeekee

so on sunday (4 days ago) we went to a restaurant, and we started talking about this guy who was eating surprisingly little. dorothea and i speculated that it was because he wanted to hold on to his gurlfrand. and sometime during the course of the conversation she said "shoulda put a ring on it."

and 4 days later, after knowing her for about 10 years, i still think it's the funniest thing that has come out of her mouth.

other than that--
school is bleh.
i have the power to drive now (with an adult).
don't want to take advantage of it, but i should.
wah being grown up is hard.

my problem.

okay, so i have this problem. and it's really hindering the way i live my life. i can't say "no" to sales people when they are badgering me. i have no problem saying "no" to family/friends and even some people of authority.  so it's not like i'm a "yes man." but for some reason, when sales people are all up in my face, i can't deny them.

for example:

today at the mall, i wanted saladworks. for some reason i pregnant-lady-craved salad. don't know why. anywayyy, this person next to me kept offering me free samples for quesadillas and telling me what a good deal it was although i was CLEARLY in the saladworks line. but, i got flustered as his invasion of my space, and ended up eating a chicken quesadilla for lunch. sad. sad.

and in taiwan, i just wanted ONE milk tea, but i guess there was a promotion where you get 2 for the price of one, and the cashier kept telling me that although i only wanted ONE. guess what? i got two. how sad. and the other one fermented, or turned sour. or just died.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEE?!